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  • Mood: Passionate
  • Listening to: Spectrum, Matthew Koma, Zedd (Acoustic)
  • Reading: More Than Human by sbj (PPG fanfic)
(TL: DR, scroll down to the bottom text in bold for the short version as this is incredibly long and drawn out)

So...this has been a long time coming, huh? 

I'm sorry it--I--took so long. There is no excuse, really. 

I can't really put into words what I'm feeling right now, coming back to this place and thinking about my old life again. It's a sense of nostalgia, but at the same time it's like I never really left. 

However, I am going to try my hardest to explain myself; those of you who are still following me after almost a year of silence deserve that. This isn't just by request, though it is entirely fair to ask where the hell I've been. It's not easy communicating online and I am very, very poor at keeping in touch. That I'll admit.

The best way I can describe myself right now is: "Busy."

Lame, I know but think of the word in every way possible. Sure, deadlines, assignments and important events do clutter up my days frequently but that in of itself is not the whole reason why I am how I am right now. 

I don't mean to scare you but my body is rapidly breaking down on itself. Even with the help and assistance of those around me, I am pushing my body to the limit everyday. 

Why, you ask? Because I really don't have much of a choice. When I mean 'pushing myself' I mean living. It hurts to live. For such a long time I have only been merely surviving. At certain points I thought I was destined to waste away for good. I don't want that life anymore. I can't go back there ever or I just know I'll stay there for good.

Now I am collecting memories and experiences, treasuring and savouring them with all my heart. For every cry of pain, there is a burst of laughter. I come home, in tears and thoroughly exhausted, with the biggest smile on my face.

"Worth it," I say, and I mean it. Every time.

I have never been in so much pain but I have also never been happier. 

I am anchored to a body that cannot do what others do. For the first time in my life I am ready to say the 'D' word out loud. Yes, I identify as disabled. Yes, I do not care for all the stereotypes and hassles that entails. 

Before no one could see what my body did to me. 'Invisible illness' they categorized me as. If people couldn't see the symptoms, to them they didn't exist. 

But now I maneuver a wheelchair part-time to use in public. It is both for physical and mental support. As strange as it sounds the chair makes me feel stronger and more confident about myself, with the ability to do things I could not possibly do on my own. 

That took a lot of time to adjust to. My new life took a long time to adjust to.

I'm back at school. I'm socializing and studying. Above all, I'm learning. My undying passion for knowledge and experimentation and just being involved with the things I love to do heals me better than any medicine. Outside of my body, my life is near-perfection. I am so, so happy, I cannot stress this enough. 

Life is wonderful. The pain is worth living for, if it means I can finally feel free. 

My will to life as fully as possible...to experience life with gluttonous ambition, makes me forget for just a little while that I will always be a problem.

My flaws. My limited capabilities. My history. My memories. My emotions. 

All my problems in my life--every failure and regret and painful incident--I cannot blame on outside influence. In the end, I will always be this selfish, self-destructive person who will always take things to the extreme. 

There is no middle ground for me. I can never be ambivalent or neutral. I can never detach myself fully from my emotions and personal standing on matters that may or may not involve me. 

I guess I'm saying this because I have grown greedy on life. Biting off more than I can chew, I always push myself, running on nothing but my stubborn willpower and I always, always take things too far. I am selfish on my desire to want to live again. So very selfish.

And that is hurting me, in more ways than one. In one way, you could say I'm running away, trying in vain to escape from my self and fucking train-wreck of a physical body. But on the other hand, you could say I'm far too impatient for my own good and don't care for pacing myself or taking a breath. Life moves so fast and it takes everything I've got to even hope to catch up to it. 

At this point I don't even know why I'm writing this. I always say too much and take too much time to state my point and when I do, I badly execute it. I know. I'm trying. 

I'm trying so hard.

*phew* 

That aside, it's been a roller-coaster of life and I kind of don't want to talk about the exact details of these past couple of months. I'm probably neglecting heaps of things I need to say but screw it, I've never been very good at summing things up and I'm certainly not doing much better now.

On what you're expecting of me, umm...I don't know. I really don't. I want to continue Diamonds in the Rough but it's been such a long time but I miss it and I miss you. I'm sorry I can't be clearer than that. I am writing and imagining and dreaming but right now I literally do not have the energy to polish off whole chapters, let alone keep to a regular schedule of updating. Life's too big at the moment and it is overwhelming me, like the intense heat you get when you stand too close to a fire. Even without touching it you can feel the power it gives off. 

Basically, I'm unreliable. It's a flaw that has caused more shit in my life than I care to admit. And I have never, ever been one to finish things. It seems I can never finish anything in life and feel satisfied. I've always let things hang or die prematurely. Just once, it'd be nice to finish something, to prove to myself that I can, but for now I cannot say.

For the understandable TL: DR people out there here is a summary of things:

-- I'm sorry it's been such a long time.
-- I'm ecstatic.
-- The time where I will pick up DITR again, regularly updating or otherwise, is inconclusive.
-- I missed you guys.
-- I have serious wheelchair skills. The girls in my year are starting to learn how to drive and I am pwning them completely with my parallel parking on my Hot Wheels. 
-- Hills are only fun one way. I am anticipating rippling muscles in my biceps as compensation. I will be the buffest of the buff in the upper-body region. 
-- My legs resemble that of a chicken's. 
-- I'm slowly becoming an insomniac again. 
-- Everything is too fucking loud. 
-- Life is great.


I don't why I wrote so much, most of time probably being pointless to the outside viewer.

Screw it, I can express my feelings if I want and if I remember right you guys did seem to appreciate it. I am honest to a fault, after all. I hope my words will reach you and provide you with something or another. If nothing else, take my words on life. Life is GREAT. Life is awful, as well, but when the great moments come around THEY ARE WORTH ALL THE BULLSHIT. HAPPINESS IS ACHIEVABLE. LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. DON'T GIVE UP WHEN THINGS TURN THE SHITTEST OF THE SHIT. 

DON'T. GIVE. UP.


Jewels


PS: My wheelchair has a legitimate L-plate on the back. I am the embodiment of wit. 

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:iconeventua:
Eventua 3 days ago  Student Writer
Argh, thank you for the fave! :D
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:iconlauriecay:
LaurieCay Mar 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the fav! :heart:
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:iconethemy:
Ethemy Mar 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hey~ just thought I'd let you know. 

*whispers*I'm back making the XS Comic pages~~
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:iconkagaminerin300:
kagaminerin300 Mar 3, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks for the faves! :iconmikuwantplz:
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:iconvyslanec:
Hi! Just wanted to check how you were doing and all.

And also... Tagged!
*runs away* :P
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:iconoolinstant0miso0soup:
oOlinstant0miso0soup Jan 25, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks a lot for the fave!! :D I really appreciate it! >w<)//
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:iconrizathepenguin:
Rizathepenguin Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy belated birthday jewels! I hope it was super sparkley and have many happy returns of the day! :iconbrohugplz:
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:iconkrististina:
Krististina Dec 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday!
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:iconask-spice-neru:
Ask-Spice-Neru Dec 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday~! :happybounce:
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